Couples Therapy
“We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can heal in relationship.” Dr. Harville Hendrix
When Couples Therapy Can Help
Do your fights keep ending the same way?
One person tries to bring something up.
The other shuts down.
One person feels criticized.
The other feels alone.
You’re stuck.
Maybe now you’re arguing, but it’s about dishes and the dog, while underneath you’re really arguing about feeling hurt, alone, or unseen.
Disconnection
You’re walking on eggshells, afraid to say something that will set the other person off into anger or defensiveness.
Or maybe you have a hard conversation to bring up, but you know it won’t go well. Eventually it feels easier to make the decision yourself rather than risk another painful conversation.
All of a sudden, you’re living parallel lives, like roommates. You feel alone.
Life Transitions
Life happens - moves, marriages, kids, new jobs. Stressors, big decisions, new roles, body changes impact our relationships.
Betrayals
Infidelity, dishonesty, or other secrets can erode trust in a relationship. Trust can slowly be rebuilt, and betrayals more deeply understood in ways that increase the ability to respond in new ways in the future.
When things are going well
Improving communication, talking through values, goals and differences, increasing intimacy, and making long-term plans together are all great ways to use therapy and can prevent larger relationship problems down the road. It’s common for couples to wait too long before starting therapy, but the less engrained the patterns are, the easier they are to change! It’s never too soon to start.
Why is it so hard?
I feel you.
Our intimate adult relationships bring up the most tender, painful parts of ourselves. All of the childhood wounding we experienced in our early relationships, and all the vulnerability of trusting and depending on someone get activated in relationships.
Often, we then rely on the same coping strategies that we used in the past - withdraw, shut down, try to accommodate and appease, defend. These strategies likely helped you survive in the past, but now they’re getting in the way of the connection you want with your partner.
Many couples come in to therapy thinking it’s their partner that has to change. But what often gets revealed is that both partners are are doing their best to protect themselves and get their needs met in ways that unintentionally leave the other person feeling alone or misunderstood. When we can understand these patterns with compassion, new possibilities start to emerge
What results can you expect?
Couples I’ve worked with have experienced:
Feeling close again
More fun, play, laughter, and feelings of friendship, closeness, and intimacy.
Being able to hear each other differently
In therapy, we’ll practice listening to each other with the goal of understanding. You’ll start to feel more curious about each other’s experience, instead of just preparing your argument.
More empathy for yourself
Adult relationships bring us into contact with the painful places that live inside of us. The loneliness, the hurts, the fears - of abandonment, criticism, of not being enough. And yes, that’s hard, but it also provides an opportunity. We get to see the places inside of us that are needing attention and care, and couples therapy can be a place to heal some of these childhood wounds.
More empathy for your partner
Therapy gives us space to slow down the conflicts where so much is happening for you both so quickly. In a heated exchange, there are so many thoughts and feelings underneath the words and actions. We’ll have space to sort through all of that. In this slowing down, you’ll learn more about yourself and your partner.
Being able to recover after conflicts
Relationship studies show that couples who are satisfied in their relationships are not ones that don’t fight; disconnection and hurt feelings happen in even the best relationships. What sets satisfied couples apart is their ability to repair after hurt happens.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)
EFT is an evidence-based modality that helps couples identify the negative patterns that they are stuck in.
For example, one partner feels anxious and wants more connection. But the more they try to pursue more connection, the more the other partner withdraws. The more the partner withdraws, the more anxious the other partner feels and the more they pursue, and on and on.
This is so common, and yet so exhausting to be inside inside of! Over time, couples feel more and more alone, misunderstood, and disconnected.
Once you’re able to recognize this cycle, it gets easier to step out of it. Instead of seeing your partner as the problem, you’ll start to see the pattern you’re both caught in, and you can begin to feel like you’re on the same team - together working to change the cycle.
Relational/Psychodynamic Therapy
Relational therapy explores how past experiences have formed relational assumptions, expectations, and patterns that are often unconscious and yet playing out in adult relationships.
What modalities are effective for couples therapy?
I draw from trainings in multiple modalities to meet the needs of you and your unique relationship.
Somatic (Body) Therapy
Couples therapy isn’t just chatting. In the room, we’ll work to slow down conflicts so that we can tune in to all the layers of what happens in a fight. Often what we notice first is just the top layer - someone yelled, someone slammed a door, someone walked away, someone cried. But what about what’s underneath? What about the tension in the chest, the hurt feeling, the urge to shutdown. There’s so much information here.
Underneath conflict is often a longing — to feel loved, understood, important and emotionally safe with one another.
Bringing the Sociopolitical into the Room
Just as we are shaped and impacted by our early childhood experiences with our caregivers, the sociopolitical conditions that we live inside of including constructs of race, gender, and sexuality have a profound impact on our inner lives and our relationships. Issues of power, privilege, and oppression show up in relationships and therapy can be a place to unpack and understand how these dynamics are showing up.
Imagine your relationship one year from now…
Imagine disagreeing without the fear that it’s over
Imagine being able to hear what your partner is trying to say without immediately becoming defensive
Imagine feeling like teammates
Imagine laughing together again
Imagine knowing how to reconnect after a conflict
Imagine feeling wanted
Imagine feeling chosen
That’s what we’re working towards together
FAQs
We haven’t been together very long, does couples therapy still make sense?
1
Yes! Coming to therapy sooner can help interrupt processes that are not working before they become more engrained.
We are contemplating break-up or divorce, is couples counseling worth it?
2
People often seek out couples therapy at the point where there is some ambivalence about whether or not it will work out to stay together. So yes, that can be part of the therapy process.
What can couples therapy help with?
3
Couples therapy can give you new tools for how to navigate conflict, increase communication skills, and help you feel more understood and connected to your partner.
Sometimes couples seek support around making major life decisions, navigating transitions, sexual challenges, or as preventative support in early stages of their relationship.
Will you take sides?
4
One of the biggest worries couples have before starting therapy is that the therapist will take sides on “who’s right.”
My role is not to judge either of you, it’s to understand each person’s experience while helping you recognize the patterns that keep both of you stuck. When both partners feel understood, it becomes much easier to move towards each other instead of staying caught in conflict.
Take the next step.
Let’s connect!
Our first phone conversation is chance to talk about what’s been happening, ask questions, and see whether working together feels like the right fit.